White House denies Obama teleported to Mars

Here's a headline you probably never expected to read, and I certainly never expected to type out. I mean, come on, aren't the loony birth certificate conspiracy claims enough? Apparently not. Now President Obama stands accused of being part of a "secret CIA project to explore Mars" as a young man in the early 1980s:

That's the assertion, at least, of a pair of self-proclaimed time-traveling, universe-exploring government agents. Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings insist that they once served as "chrononauts" at Darpa's behest, traversing the boundaries of time and space. They swear: A youthful Barack Obama was one of them.

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According to Basiago and Stillings, Obama isn't just lying about his identity. He's lying about his military service record, too. While his political opponents in 2008 attacked him for never serving, in truth, he was concealing his participation in a hidden CIA intergalactic program hosted at a California community college in 1980.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the White House's official response is that Obama never went to Mars. "Only if you count watching Marvin the Martian," says Tommy Vietor, the spokesman for the National Security Council.